Here it is – a fabulous Colour Supplement, exclusive to Manus Sinistra – and here is your bit of colour exclusive to you:
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What the colour means:
BLUE: You have won £1/4m. in our “game of skill”, PIANOTUNA
RED: The results of your blood test are positive.
GREEN: Well, it’s better than RED.
Letters to the Editor Coordinator
Dear Coordinator, We are a group representing the females of this Department. We crave space (among other things) for the following tirade: So farewell then, Paul Daly. As you commit yourself to an ancient institution, the single and singular women of the department shed a quiet tear at the passing of the last decent male (Latin: Manus Dextra), the last illegible Bachelor. What are we left with? Indecent males (Manus Sinistra), that’s what. “They’re either too young or too old,” as the song says. Howling babes or dribbling dotards. Horny devils or saturnine saints. Oh well. As least it means we can concentrate on our work. But, lo! A glimmer of homo sapiens on the horizon! Five young-bloods are about to be transfused into ISD. Five graduates of Paula’s training. She’ll have finely-honed their lean, lithe bodies, hardened them up, made them into . . . . . of course, once they reach the 4th floor, the “lads” will soon put a stop to that, and bring the trainees down to their level. Looks like Celibacy is our only option . . . . . Goodnight sisters, Freda O’Reilly, Hon. Sec., ISDWGNOBAAAAGGGGHHHHH | Dear Coordinator, I have been asked to reply on behalf of the Better Half of ISD – the male half. To be quite honest, this was the first inkling I had that there women in this dept. I had wondered why there was a separate toilet for people whose first name ended in a vowel or ‘y’. I had wondered why these same people occasionally wore garments that could, in poor lighting, be taken to resemble women’s clothing. But I’m a broad-minded chap, and when I’m not thinking of broads, I think “Live and let live”. I had assumed they were merely disturbed perverts, who had advanced one stage further than the rest of us. And then it happened! Last week we were visited by a friend of the Hon Sec of the ISDWGNOBAAAAGGGGHHHHH. As soon as she entered the room, lighting it up, we saw what we were missing. A real live woman – flesh and blood, and in proportion! And when she spoke! Her dulcet intonations and ladylike phraseology (© Gerry Smith) showed up the harridan hectoring of our androgynous crew. In conclusion, I can only say: More! Cormac M. Costello |
Dear Coordinator,
I write to inform you of my happiness and pleasure when I heard the news that “The Left Hand” is to be resurrected and given a new lease of life. Indeed, it would not be a lie to say that I uttered a cry of delight on hearing the glad tidings.
I also support fully the sentiment of “being aware of the right hand” (I quote from the memo which announced the relaunching of your illustrious newsletter) – for we all know some of the various and interesting activities the right hand can get up to.
Wishing you every success as co-ordinator of the newsletter.
Yours sincerely,
Cathal Convery.
Dear Coordinator,
I put writing instrument to paper to apprise you of the emotions of utmost felicity and hedonistic anticipation of which I found myself the receptacle on being cognisant that “The Left Hand” is to be de-atrophied and restored from a state of necrology. In fact one would not be guilty of giving expression to a terminological inexactitude if one were to avow that a cry of delight was heard to emanate from my oral orifice when the good news was registered by my aural senses.
Additionally, I cannot support in too laudatory a manner the principle of “sapens manu dextri” (or words to that effect, as cited in the document which heralded the return of your glorious gazette – while not wishing to appear unduly obtuse, the precise phraseology used by the author escapes me at present). For one possesses only too much of the requisite knowledge of the multifaceted and varied undertakings to which the said right hand may accessory.
Wishing you every success with your prestigious periodical.
Your sincerely. A Coverage Programmer.
Here it is – Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About The New Trainees But Were Afraid They’d Be Just Like All The Other Trainees. And we can now confirm your darkest fears – they’re worse than All The Others. We sent them a straightforward questionnaire. Here is a selection of the replies we got back from the Annexe Six. (With their own self-portraits)
1. Name or Alias:
Apart from Brigid Moore, Michael King and “Don Crowley aka Don Crowley), we got “Brian who is called Brian alias Fifth Amendement” (Brian Drumm), “40264” (Maurice Bolger) and “El Zorro the Gay Blade aka the Border Chihuahua” (Paul Power).
2. Place of Birth (geographical answer expected):
“3/12/63” (Don). “here” (Brian). “Munster” (Maurice). “Laois” (Brigid). “Donegal” (Michael). And “Dublin, Georgia, USA” (Paul).
3. Height when wearing flared trousers and 5’ platform soles:
Brian: 5 hours, 9 minutes and 30 seconds past the length of a piece of string. Paul: Depends on the colour of my socks.
4. If your favourite colour was an animal, what musical instrument would it most resemble?
Don: The Ford Sierra. Maurice: 9am.
5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time (one word or less):
Brigid: Overhead ? Michael: Overthehill. Brian: There
6. Have you … ever been a member of the Communist Party? (If you wish to plead the Fifth Amendment, write “I am a Commie”)
Brian: I am the Fifth Amendment. Brigid: Am fast considering it.
7. What skills and knowledge can you offer the Company (name 3 – answer must be alliterative)?
Paul: Kids, Kittens, Karparks. Don: 1) Dedication 2) Commitment 3) A gross misunderstanding of the word ‘alliterative’.
Michael: Genius, Gunhoe (?) and Gynaecology.
8. What is the worst job you’ve ever had (until now):
Maurice: teaching my dog to play the piano.
9. Favourite single of all time, and the speed at which you like to play it:
Brigid: Amadeus (ooh!). Paul: “Who’s That Doggie In The Window” played at 45rpm in reverse (that way I hear the satanic messages).
10.How interested are you in joining the Mindbenders Club:
a. Rabidly Keen
b. Keenly Rabid
c. Merely Desperate
d. I am a Commie
Brian: (e) merely keen to be a rabidly desperate Commie.
11.Draw an inkblot that would remind you of (choose one) a Mother Hen, “Deutschland Über Alles”, Paula O’Reilly.
Paul’s reply to this is a work of art (indeed, it’s signed ‘Salvador Dali’).
Brian submitted another self-portrait with the caption ‘Paula Hen Über Alles”
Paula says they finish final training mid-June. You have been warned.
