In this Issue
· Those new trainees
· Wedding Advice
· More I.T. Anagrams
Deliterabe Mistafes
Bsoy and grils in this isseu of Mister Sinus there are a numbre of delterabe mistafes. Carefuly ‘eye-balll’ each lineof thhis isue an see how menny you can fund. Teh coordinators will be fine £10 for evry spilling eror and £15 for evry factual errror you spit.
Sned you’re ansers on a postcrad to:
Pas de Salary,
Manus’ Sister,
Data Hse,
P.a. 1003.2 bars and falling.
Winners’ names will be published in teh ntex isseu of Imbus Sinistra.
HITCH-LIST
Here it is: your cut out and keep guide to those weddings of the year!!! One down and five to go!!!
+- - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +
| Paul Donlon and a rk a rk – June 11th |
| |
| Michael Hackett and a rk a rk – July 13th |
| |
| Colin Byrnes and a rk a rk – July 18th |
| |
| Debbie Cummins and a rk a rk – July 30th |
| |
| Liam Mackey and a rk a rk – August 4th |
| |
| Judith Whelan and Eamonn Guilfoyle – August 27th |
+- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - +
And . . . . . .
Seamus O’Dowd and a rk a rk got engaged.
CONGRATULATIONS TO:
Fergal Toland and a rk on the birth of their daughter - a rk
Freda O’Reilly and Cormac Costello now have a baby girl -a rk
Paul Keogh and a rk have a second son - a rk
Jackie Hickey and a rk celebrated the arrival of a rk in June.
GONE FROM AER LINGUS ARE . . . .
Liam Grimes, Jerrie Lawless, Denise O’Sullivan, Denise O’sullivan’s car, Denis Maddy, Tony Murphy, Margrey Weldon, Suzanne Lumsden, Jean Cruise, Vincent Walsh, George O’Reilly, Martin Long, Martina Fahy, Harry Keane, Tom Clarke, Pat Conroy, Len Brodie, Tom Brogan and Pat O’Brien,
ON THE MOVE WITHIN AER LINGUS ARE . . . .
Orla Kealy – Dublin District Sales
Bernie Murphy – Customer Services
Deirdre McCabe – Banking
Marie Thornberry – Ground Ops (Task Force)
Des McLoughlin – North America
Tom Kelly - Cargo
OVER 30’s v | UNDER 30’s |
Manager: | Manager: |
Gerry ‘Arrigo’ Berry | Maurice ‘Jack’ Bolger |
ALSAA – 22 July ’94 | 5.30’ish Kick-Off |
Supporters/Supports welcome. Be there!!!
INTRODUCING NEW TRAINEES!
And now . . . Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About The New Trainees But Were Afraid They’d Be Just Like All The Other Trainees. We gave them the standard, straightforward, Manus Sinistra questionnaire and we give you a selection of their replies.
1. Draw a picture of yourself (in the box provided). Refer to self-portraits.
2. Name or Alias: Refer to self-portraits. (Orla gave an alias but Tippexed over it!)
3. Anagram of your name: Oral, Rare Lion, Hi Eric & Hip Lip
4. Place of birth (geographical answer expected):
Orla: ∫ “South of the Border; Down Mexico Way.” ∫
Richie: Eric Cantona’s football boots.
Lorraine: 53.20N 6.15W
5. Height when wearing flared trousers and 5” platform soles:
Philip: 72 1/5 platforms (Co-ords’ note: If 1 platform = 5” then 72
1/5 platforms = 361”, making Philip mere 30.08 feet tall.)
Orla: 6"
Lorraine: Height of embarrassment.
Richie: Tall enough to reach the top shelf.
6. If your favourite colour was an animal, what musical instrument would it most resemble?
Philip: BMW 850i (ambitious – Co-ords)
Orla: A fridge.
7. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time (one word or less):
Lorraine: Less.
Richie: In bed with a hangover.
8. Have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? (If you wish to plead the Fifth Amendment, write “I am a Commie”)
Philip: Ja wohl
9. What skills and knowledge can you offer the I.T. Department ? (name 3 – answer must be alliterative)
Lorraine: none, none, none
Orla: (a) Excellent (b) Good (c) Average √ (d) Poor √ (e) None √
Philip: Awful Arduous Assembler Algorithms.
10. What’s the worst job you have ever had (until now)?
Richie: Salman Rushdie’s bodyguard
Philip: PPPP Packing Penguins for Rowntrees in the Antarctic
11. Favourite song of all time (give reasons for your answer):
Lorraine: Theme tune to “Computing Fundamentals”
Richie: The Smiths “There’s a light that never goes out”. His reason? Mind your own a business.
12. How interested are you in contributing to Manus Sinistra
(a) Rabidly keen (b) Keenly rabid (c) Merely
Desperate or (d) I am a Commie?
Lorraine, Orla, Philip: (c) Merely Desperate
Orla added a p.s. “Do we have a choice?”
Richie: I am a Commie.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
KENYA AIRWAYS FLAT OUT
“What’s all the fuss about?” – Wekasa Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. “A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble.”
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of ta through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin. “The 42 passengers had boarded the plane and were ready for take off when the pilot noticed that one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn’t get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth but he passed out.”
“When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr. Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said that we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous and that there was another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the splendid scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense.
(The Standard Keyna, 6/1/1993)
Brought to the attention of Manus Sinistra by Tony Flynn (London Correspondent).
NUPTIAL MEDICAL ADVICE
For those of you about to take the plunge, and those of you who may be thinking about it, we give you this bit of medical advice from REAL doctors so you can be sure about what you’re letting yourself in for:
-----------
PROPER DOCTORS 427 HARLEY STREET
DR. J.T. RAVENSCROFT P.D. SCUNTHORPE
DR. M.C.J. PIERRE-PARKER, P.D. LINCS.
DR. E.F. WALTERS, P.D
Hello,
Sex is a wonderful thing. It’s so wonderful, people often don’t talk about it for years on end. Some people not only don’t talk about it, they don’t do it. But there’s very few who don’t actually think about it, at least once a week and usually on Sundays. So it’s just as well to know How To Do It. This is called sex education.
The first thing you need to know about sex is where to buy the chocolates. Once you’ve bought the chocolates, you’ll be able to go around to her house and give them to her, and there you are. If you can’t find any chocolates in your price range, or you know she doesn’t like chocolates (some hope!), then flowers would be a good substitute. But flowers can be very expensive too. If you’re the girl, then of course you don’t buy him chocolates or flowers – but it’s still as well to know where to buy them so you can drop a hint, such as: “Have you seen those chocolates in Benger’s Confectionery Store?” or (if you don’t like chocolates), “Gosh! I’m glad I don’t have to eat those chocolates in Benger’s at all, especially when I prefer flowers like they have in Fish ‘n’ Flowers around the corner.”
Well, so much for the medical side of sex.
WHAT LOVE IS
Remember not to give her either chocolates or flowers unless you’re really in love. The way you can tell if you’re really in love is to look at the price and if you think they are too expensive and they’re under £1, you’re not really in love. If you think they’re too expensive and they’re over £1 but under £1.50, then it’s probably only self-love and you should wait until you’re prepared to go up to £2.50 or until the price of confectionery goes up. Anything over £3 is love.
A WORD OF WARNING
For goodness sake Be Sensible and don’t go taking any risks – such as buying chocolates with hard centres only, when she might prefer soft centres. Take precautions and for goodness sake, if you don’t know which she prefers, buy a selection – preferably a mixture of hard and soft centre and milk and plain chocolates as well.
Well, that’s it. Don’t forget that sex is a wonderful thing, and should not be treated lightly (especially when most decent gift boxes can cost up to £3). Remember, sex is also pretty expensive and can lead to stomach ache and bad teeth.
NOT PROPER DOCTORS
DR. C. WIGGLIT DR.R. SOLE SIR CYRIL KORWATTER-BIGGUN
KEN I.C. HORTITZ (ISRAEL) DR. NICK URSE
OLÉ, OLÉ, OLAV
Martin Long (Connecticut Correspondent) reports:
“Watched Ireland versus Norway with commentary ‘as gaeilge’. Suggestions from patrons of the bar as to the origin of the commentary included Norwegian, Italian and Spanish. Luckily this was an Irish Bar or the confusion could have been enormous. Those days playing football at the Gaeltacht were not wasted after all – I still remember the old ‘cic saor’ and ‘ciatóg’ etc.”
BODY COUNT
If you’re on a plane and the guy next to you says that he’s a funeral director going to Disneyland for the fourth time, he’s likely to be a beneficiary of a new USAir promotion. Because for every 30 corpses or cremations a director ships on the airline, he gets a free round-trip ticket to a domestic location of his choice. A gift from the grave.
SMALL DETAIL NOT OVERLOOKED
To prevent toilet seats from banging shut – disturbing passengers in seats near lavatories – a hydraulic hinge was designed for 777 toilets. Designing it took two years and cost US$20,000. The lid takes three seconds to close.
HEALTH TIP
If you look anything like your passport photo, you’re not well enough to travel.
* * I.T. Anagrams * *
RANDY H. RUMPAS
OR, AN EI PLEB
ORSON P. NASTY
HALT CLEAN COLON
I LOVE MY MAC
GRASP TENDER JOE
MY SMART SPOON
MILK ON-CALL LOG
MAKE MINE RUN
DARN BUM RIM
MAIL MY CAKE
BLAME MARTYR
HELP A LAN UP
a rk a r k MOM
REF. COWMILK
I GRAB REAL SCARY
LETTERS
Dear Manus,
During my recent piano performance exam I was asked what “MS” on a music score means. Thanks to your prestigious publication I was able to answer with confidence “Manus Sinistra”, i.e. to be played with the left hand.
Yours etc.
A M D
Dear Manus,
Put this through a spilling checker first.
Great moments in the History of Computing.
No. 1 Meaningful Variable Names
As we all know (as graduates of the PTO school of hacking) one should always choose meaningful names for variables, labels etc. As an example of this search for algorithmic perfection have a look at the program PA22V03 in GP.LIBRIAN (it’s written in RPG – and you thought Assembler was cryptic!). So for non ROSCOE users type the following commands on the ROSCOE command line:
A d gp:librian(pa22v03) <enter>
Incl goto <enter>
#off <enter> gets you out of ROSCOE
As you will see from the program documentations the program was loaded by, the person COMPUWARE like to call, Mr. Brian Pilo.
P.S. The last three are the hobbits from Lord of the Rings
Bridge
The most commonly played variations of this popular card game are Contract, Auction and Suspension Bridge. However, the rules of Suspension Bridge are often misunderstood, so here they are in full:
1. The four players are paired off. North partners South, and East partners West.
2. The dealer shuffles and cuts the pack.
3. The dealer does not deal the cards.
4. When the suspense becomes unbearable, the game is declared over.
NB: BROWN = LIVE ; BLUE = NEUTRAL ; YELLOW-GREEN = EARTH
Note: Another exciting variation of the game is, of course, Cantilever Bridge. Unfortunately, the engineering requirements are beyond the average household.
D'ALSAA Magi
