In this Issue
· Whose Booze?
· Under 30’s vs. Over 30’s Match Report(s)
· In Flight Wine Review
· Letter from America
· Watch Your House – Mobo visits Jerrie
Proposed New Structure for MS
Due to the current climate of change and reorganisation within the company, MS has decided it is time for a new image and a new structure has been proposed. The front page section and back page section have merged to form one page which will have responsibility for being the Front Page. The title of MS (Manus Sinistra) will be responsible for raising the profile of the Front Page. Pages 2 and 3 of the old structure have also been merged to form a single working unit – Page 2. The position of Back Page will be filled by Page 2. All sections will report to the MSC (Manus Sinistra Coordinators). This new structure is subject to approval and may change over the next 6-8 weeks. A committee will be set up shortly to report, in 6-8 weeks, on the benefits of having a committee to decide on the new structure. Until a new structure is agreed upon by all parties, the old MS structure will remain in place.
(Here's how the articles below were presented on the published version)
delitErabe Mistafes
There were two deliberate mistakes in the last issue of Manus Sinistra. “£10” and “£15”. The coords have not (as yet) been asked to pay the fine.
Some Not-So-Deliberate Mistakes which were brought to our attention:
(a.) Apparently the program GP.LIBRIAN(PA22V03) referred to in ‘Great Moments in the History of Computing’ was not loaded live by Mr. Pilo but by David Ingoldsby.
(b.) Freda and Cormac’s daughter’s name should have been palindromic.
TABLE TALK
The popular game of Dining-Table Snooker requires a small amount of preparation. However, the necessary equipment is generally to be found in the home, or can be obtained for a few pence from your local stockist or dealer. You will need:
One dining table
Three pairs of socks
Tacks or drawing pins
One can of green paint
A felt-tipped pen (black)
When the paint is thoroughly dry and the table has been prepared, you will also need:
One small turnip (white)
One apricot
One green apple
One meatball
One plum
One nectarine
One prune
Fifteen tomatoes
Once the ingredients have been laid out on their spots, each player is equipped with a long stick of celery (with the narrower end well chalked), If you don’t have celery (pas de celery) a long carrot may be used.
The preparations are now complete and the meal can begin. A bottle of ‘Château Coufran, 1988’ is a perfect accompaniment.
WINE REVIEW
“Château Coufran is seductively full and fat, with a subtle, rich earthiness and supple ripe-fruit body repeated in the fragrant bouquet. Approachable when young, its classic yet soft tannic structure is capable of great longevity and depth of complexity when mature.”
- Delta in-flight wine list.
ARRIVALS BOARD
Nine new staff joined us on December 5th. They are:
Michelle Fitzgerald – Co. Clare
Brian Byrne – Dublin
Ronan Fitzpatrick – Co. Cavan
Cian O’Cuanacháin – Dublin
Andrew Penrose – Dublin (son of Joe)
Sharon Burke – ex Catering
Neil Martin – Co. Louth
Matthew O’Shea – Kilkenny
James Marston – Co. Donegal
And – before Lorraine, Orla, Philip and Richie ask – we will be giving the new trainees a ‘Personaility Profile’ questionnaire to complete.
Outstations:
To Joe Prendergast and xxxxxxk … baby xxxxxxk
DEPARTURES BOARD
Dave Brennan December 30
Eamon Naughton January 13
Pat Noone TBA
Paula O’Reilly TBA
CHANGE OF YEAR END
FOLLOWING MAIL SENT BY Manus Sinistra on 19-DEC-94 AT 16.36
TO: ITALL
FROM: Manus Sinistra
Date: 19 December 1994
SUBJECT: CHANGE OF YEAR END
We wish to formally advise you that Manus Sinistra has changed its year end from December 31st to March 31st.
The Coordinators.
PERILS OF AVIATION
WARNING: Do not read this in the middle of your Christmas Dinner
“There was a massive explosion and what looked like a bomb came crashing through my roof”, George Neseverenko told reporters from his house in Thornhill, north of Toronto. “It landed right by the bed, missing us by about two feet, and it smelled very, very bad.”
Neseverenko’s wife, Fanzia Zaig, continued the story: “When we turned the lights on and looked at it, we saw it was a huge block of ice, with hundreds of lumps of crap in it. There were sheets of used toilet paper and old tampons too. I tried to phone the police, but they couldn’t understand me because I kept retching. When they turned up, they put gas masks on, so we couldn’t understand what they were saying, and they just left. A government official arrived and told us it must have fallen out of an airplane’s on-board toilet and it was our responsibility to move it, but it is far too heavy for us, so it’s been slowly melting in our bedroom for the last two days. The stench is making us sick.”
Bruce Reid, Toronto Int’l Airport spokesman, played down the incident. “The tanks can only hold so much, then they have to be emptied and at high altitudes the liquid sometimes freezes solid. There’s no need to panic though, an incident like this only occurs every month or so.”
This is an extract from The London Free Press – Ontario, Canada. Hope it puts a smile on your face this Christmas.
ALARMIST
Paula has had an alarm installed on the back door of Imbus. It is hoped that this will curtail the activities of the confused thief who is operating downstairs. Not only has he ‘robbed’ Mike Murnane’s bike and hidden it in the press downstairs but he has also swiped Dave Brennan’s jacket and left it in Dave’s house.
WHOSE BOOZE?
Help Dave Brennan out! It’s his booze-up and he can’t remember who ordered what. Match these I.T. personalities with what they might well have to drink in ALSAA/hotel/anywhere….
Pat O’Brien | Pint of lager with lime | |
Marian Callanan | Glass of cider | |
Gerry Finucane | Tia Maria & Coke, Paddy & Red, Baileys & brandy, peach schnapps & orange juice, peach schnapps & 7-Up, wine, bottle of Bud. | |
Eddie Kehoe | White wine and soda water | |
Noel Scahill | Pint of milk | |
Evelyn Durack | Bottle of Guinness |
NEW HEALTH STUDY
Startling news from the world of medicine and healthcare:
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that those who have the most live longest.
THE BIG MATCH REPORT (Version 1)
The annual Over-30’s versus Under-30’s soccer match took place in ALSAA on Friday 22nd July last. A big crowd turned up on a beautiful day to witness the Over-30’s turn on the style and run out worthy winners over a lacklustre Under-30’s outfit.
Between the sticks for the Over-30’s was the agile ‘Lev’ Fitzpatrick who was to have a very quiet day. Indeed, such was the paucity of the Under-30’s attack that, later in the game, the great Lev turned up on the right wing to enthrall the crowd with his silken skills, leaving the goal unguarded for the last 15 minutes of the game.
The Over-30’s defence was marshaled by the venerable ‘Snitcher’ McDonagh, who together with Tom ‘The Rock’ Marum had been enticed from self-imposed retirement especially for this fixture. On the right the Bull Donnelly stuck a hoof into anything that came his way and was at the centre of a particularly unsavoury incident when Gary Barriscale, in goal for the Under-30’s, threw his face at the Bull’s boot just as the Bull was about to burst the onion bag for his side’s opening goal. On the left, Billy ‘Boots’ Winter was less than his usual ‘Rip off your head and shit in the hole’ self. However, this was excusable on the day as he was marking his young son Billy Winter Jr.
In midfield the Over-30’s were a class apart. Arrigo Berry trawled the left of midfield, spraying out inch-perfect passes with his cultured left foot and working hard to win back the ball on the few occasions that it was lost to the opposition. On the right, Brian ‘Brian Drumm’ Drumm foraged tirelessly for the ball and caused no little panic in the opposition with his darting forays up the line. This gave great pleasure to his legion of adoring female fans on the sideline whose chant of “Brian Drumm, Brian Drumm, so good they named him twice” filled the park. In the centre Roy Costello anchored the midfield with yet another no-nonsense display showing grit and determination. Harrington, showing whippet-like speed, was tigerish in the tackle which belied the fact that he came straight to the game after a fast 5-mile run around Turnapin Lane.
Up front the terrible trio of Close, Cooke and O’Connell proved too hot to handle. ‘Ryan’ Close hugged the touch-line and skinned the hapless Collins on every occasion. In the closing minutes, Close had the best chance of the game when, after a mazy run, his blistering left foot drive cracked the upright after Barriscale had been well beaten. On the right ‘Eric’ O’Connell turned in a virtuoso performance cruelly teasing the opposition with his peerless ball skills. ‘Champagne’ Cooke was the man of the match, brilliantly leading the line with deft touches and intelligent runs and posed a constant aerial threat when the long ball was pumped into the box.
As for the Under-30’s, all that can be said is that, despite the Trojan work of Moen up front and the tireless running of Halpin, Toland and Horan, the sum of their effort did not match their pre-game hype and bravado.
In an interesting postscript to the match, the Bull Donnelly was approached by a certain Ms. Campbell who arrived almost unnoticed to watch the game. She was looking for the name of the Grey-haired man with the moustache. Snitcher McDonagh was last seen smiling as he left ALSAA. What a player!
THE BIG MATCH REPORT (Version 2)
22 July ’94, and five days after the World Cup final the next biggest event in soccer’s calendar took place on a beautiful summer’s evening at ALSAA….
Lacking a recognised goalkeeper, manager ‘Big Jack’ Bolger, up from his sick bed, picked ‘Ravelli’ Barriscale between the sticks. For the Over-30’s the obvious choice, Jim ‘So’ Close, lined out on the left side of attack, the net-minding duties falling to Tony ‘The Cat’ Fitzpatrick. Undaunted by the non-appearance of their opponent’s much publicised female player, Jodi Whelan lined out as selected in the Under 30’s team and stood out up front for most of the first half.
Referee Dave “You wouldn’t believe it” Whelan got the game under way and kept it flowing with minimal use of the whistle and conspicuous under use of the cards. Apart from one or several occasions he performed ok, generously overlooking the rule that insists goalkeepers can’t play in short sleeves, a rule he must be the only person knows exists.
The early exchanges yielded little, neither of the well-matched sides gaining the upper hand. ‘So’ Close and Cooke gave early indications of the danger they posed in attack for the boys in black, while in midfield Costello, Drumm and O’Connell just posed. The Under-30’s back line of Collins, Horan, Garvey and O’Rourke soaked up whatever was thrown at them leaving Barriscale little to do. At the other end, Moen was proving difficult to contain for Winter and Marum, firing narrowly over the bar after an error by the shaky defence.
First chance fell to the old people. Donnelly strayed upfield and from a cross was first to the ball. As it rebounded to him off the crossbar ‘Ravelli’ Barriscale bravely went in to smother the shot. ‘Leonardo’ Donnelly went in with the knee and in an attempted break of Barriscale’s beak only succeeded in hitting the ball off the crossbar again before it was cleared after a heart-stopping goalmouth scramble.
Donnelly featured in the game’s main talking point soon after. From a corner he clearly elbowed the ball away but the referee (who was 30+) waved play on. Donnelly mumbled something about the hand of God (why blame Cantona?). Later, suffering from a hamstring injury, he took over the goalkeeping role to give Fitz the chance to display his silken skills outfield.
The most promising move of the match covered the length of the pitch. It was sheer poetry from the Bolger Babes, the opening stanza penned by centre-back and captain Cathal ‘Haircut’ Horan. Forget Coby Jones, Alexei Lalas, Valderama and Andy Townsend. This man showed them what haircuts are all about as he choreographed the move from his own penalty area. Intercepting the ball, he made a jinking/dinking run fully 30 yards out of the box before laying off an inch-perfect pass to ‘Andy’ Toland. Looking up he spotted ‘Romario’ Moen’s predatory, perfectly timed run to stay onside and clipped the ball over the static defence. Controlling the falling ball adroitly, Moen set up a chance his granny could scarcely have missed. But then he caught a sight of Fitzer’s tracksuit in a lurid Subutteo green, an outfit Campos wouldn’t be seen dead in, and unnerved by this vision, shot tamely at the grateful keeper.
Jodi went off, Hearty came on and linked up well on the left with Halpin and Graham. O’Byrne, Naughton and Toland kept things solid on the right. Billy Winter junior was being given a torrid time up front with the full consent of his father. Half time arrived with no score.
Toland moved into a forward role in the 2nd half as the younger, fitter outfit held back, hoping to play the ball over the defence to give their speedy forwards something to run onto. The Over-30’s defence was forced to retreat to the tactics best suited to them – hacking down anything that tried to pass. Tommy ‘Smith’ Marum escaped a caution after taking down Toland in the corner, “Andy’s” Klinsmann-esque dive fooling no-one but Dave ‘the most incredible thing happened’ Whelan.
Marum was lucky to stay on the field after cruelly disposing of Winter Jr. who was clear through on goal. Billy ‘Chopper’ Winter’s concern for his boy amounted to sneering ‘Are you alright son?’
Apart from Jim McDonagh’s spectacular headed clearance the only other unsavoury incident to mar an otherwise sporting contest was an off-the-ball incident when Over-30’s manager Gerry ‘Arrigo’ Berry got to grips with ‘Romario’ Moen. ‘A spaceship landed on the pitch, a little green man got out and deflected the ball past me’ Whelan, not sure of the laws regarding indecency on a soccer pitch, sensibly turned a blind eye to the proceedings. A late flurry by the Gerryatrics failed to break the deadlock and as the three shrill blasts on the whistle filled the air, Jack Bolger was complaining bitterly to anyone who’d listen, ‘Will you thank the ref for me. He’s got me the sack, he has.’
Down to peno’s. Garvey, Cooke, Toland and McDonagh scored with varying ease. As Naughton placed the ball on the spot, Jim Close replaced Fitz in goals. Unsportingly standing at the post until Naughton stepped back, he took up position in the centre. This gamesmanship unsettled ‘Baggio’, whose tame shot went straight to the keeper. When Barriscale hit his shot wide and The Cat slotted his home it was left to Haircut. He didn’t disappoint his fan club but at 3-all and one peno left Donnelly still had the chance to win it. He failed to convert it and so we went into sudden death. John ‘Over 30’ Collins for the Under-30’s saw his spot-kick hit the outside of the post and Noel Scahill saw it hit his car. ‘So’ Close stepped up to smash home the winner amid joyous celebrations. Bolger was last seen storming off shouting “Do I not like that!!!” all the way back to the gala awards presentation in ALSAA.
One of the Big Match reports was written by a member of the Over 30’s team, the other by an Under-30’s player. Using your skill and judgment, see if you can identify which is which.
LETTER FROM AMERICA
Greetings from hot and humid Dallas.
I’m delighted that you were able to breathe new life into the shriveled organ that was Manus Sinistra. You’d get arrested for that over here.
I thought I’d supply you with a “Letter from America” just like Alistair Cooke or Conor Clery or Ben Dunne, but with more of a DP slant.
As you know we in the USA are on the cutting edge of technology. For example, we had Beavis and Butthead talking dolls months before you did.
The “in” language at the moment is “See”, so-called because people are always pointing out mistakes in each other’s programs. (photo: 3 ex-EI ‘See’ programmers. Clockwise from Tony Flynn: Maurice Bolger, Martin Long, Tony Flynn, Maurice Bolger, Martin Long, Tony Flynn, Maurice Bolger, Martin Long, Tony Flynn … etc.)
You may have heard of an operating system called ACLS, which stands for “A Cute Little System”. (Not to be confused with ALCS, which isn’t). ACLS is aimed at smaller “puddle-jumper” airlines. Of course, the way the airline industry is going, we’ll all be in the same flying-boat soon.
The big thing in Personal Computers is CD-ROM. This allows you to listen to music while you’re playing on your computer. In Saudi Arabia they have a C-DROM so you can plug your PC into your camel’s hump. I hear it will run for a long, long time.
But the hottest buzzword in town is Virtuous Reality. You put this halo-shaped thing around your head, and you really believe you’re a good person. When you play “Lounge Lizard Larry” with VR, for example, you just nurse a Coke at the bar for a couple of hours, saying prayers for the lowlife scum around you.
If that sounds too lame for you, you could try the latest thing from Cork. CD-MOM xxxxxxk. You burn down your office, make threatening phone calls, smuggle drugs out of Morocco and assassinate a Mafia Godfather (legal, please check this for libel).
Despite all these rapid advances, I remain a modest TPF programmer, but then again, as Mussorgsky once said, I have a lot to be modest about. You can’t teach and old dog new ticks. Why, I’ve been in this game so long, I can remember people telling me they remembered punchcards. And then there’s Colm “Roadkill” Kilgallon, who was pre-punchcards. In his day, you had to manually unscrew the valves, and reposition them for each instruction. Colm would look at the second-hand on his watch, and say, “Oh, begob, shure isn’t it time for another Load Address”. The best programmers in those days were the ones with the longest arms (hence the name “Coverage”). Sad to say, Colm sprained his wrist executing an MVCL one day. It was never the same again. He had to leave the hockey team and got married soon after.
A lot has changed down the years but there are still programmers who are intimidated by the MVCL instruction. Not to worry. Here’s my handy cut-out-and-keep-in-your-knickers guide to the MVCL
1) You will need two pairs of registers. If you don’t have them, borrow from someone else.
2) The first register of the second pair should point to the the second register of the first pair (and vice versa).
3) The first register of the first pair should contain the minimum length to be moved, and the second register of the second pair should contain the maximum. (The operating system will average out these two values by doing 3 XC’s, but you don’t have to worry about this).
4) Another register (register 9 if it’s free) says when you want this move performed. Valid values range from 9 (“whenever you’re ready, no hurry, don’t hurt yourself”) to 0 (“I want it done yesterday”), but don’t use 3 (“On second thoughts, I don’t really want to move it”) or 7 (“Ha has ha, laugh at me would they? I’ll make them pay for this by bringing down the system!! Then we’ll see who has spaghetti sauce on their tie, won’t we? Ha ha ha ha”).
5) Finally, you’re ready to code: MVCL Rx,Ry where “Rx” is register X and “Ry” is register Y.
(Standard Disclaimer: Use at own risk…no liability…persons living or dead…professional driver on a closed track…not available in Hawaii or Puerto Rico…may cause death.)
If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer tem for you. You can contact “Mr. Veritable-Encyclopedia-of-Technical-Knowledge” at IBMMAIL(USAMR29R).
Pat (Cousins)
WATCH YOUR HOUSE
When asked where he was going to watch the match (Republic of Ireland v Northern Ireland) Maurice Bolger sent the following reply:
“No Irish pubs here in Swindon, so I’m heading up to London to join Jerrie’s merry mob. I haven’t been in a pub since “Route 66” 10 days ago (Ah, but that’s another story). The flat put a stop to that.
Mon 7th: Mobo moves in.
Tue 8th: Puts load of washing on…kitchen and living room carpet flooded as a result.
Wed 9th: Landlord rings me at work to warn me not to use the washing machine ‘cos the outlet hose has yet to be connected.
Landlord calls that evening to assess the damage and I point out that the oven isn’t working either and there is a loud banging noise from the boiler. Landlord assures me that the boiler is okay, and will send out repairman on Saturday.
Thu 10th: Whilst in the process of stomping up and down the wet carpets with newspaper, the dear old lady downstairs comes up and gives out about the noise.
Sat 12th: Repairman comes to plumb the washing machine, the oven actually works fine.
Mon 14th: Head into town and come back to find the door, or what was left of it, wide open. The door was completely smashed … both locks hacked off … glass and wood everywhere … metal frame warped. Two policemen inside … they inform me that I wasn’t burgled. In fact, they themselves did it … took them a good half hour to break in. The boiler sprang a leak and drowned the old bat downstairs … she heard a banging noise (the boiler) and thought I was dead. The police, as they didn’t get any reply at the door (‘cos I was in town), feared the worst and smashed the door down.
Landlord and Police both denying costs to get a new door. Council workers come at midnight to patch up the remains of the door.
Tue 15th: Repairmen currently at house fixing up the boiler. Getting a new door this evening.
Where are you going to watch the match?
